Woolsey’s Team Building Fiasco
by Nika Dixon
Summary: Woolsey sends the team on a relaxing retreat of motivation and team building exercises. Too bad he forgot to factor in the Pegasus Galaxy's contribution. Humor/Whump - Team Fic COMPLETE
1. Introduction

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

This next story is dedicated to anyone who's ever had to go on a team-building event or weekend with their company or co-workers, and had to face the idiotic challenges and hilarity that usually ensued from such insanity. It also includes some specific situations a person could run into while camping.

If you have never had the pleasure of attending a corporate team-building weekend, then a brief explanation might be in order.

Some company Directors and Presidents like to send their employees on what they consider to be motivational sessions.

They put people through a wide range of "exercises" that are supposed to help motivate you, help you to get to know your fellow employees, and to help you learn to work together to solve a common goal. The events can be done inside, or outside, over an afternoon, or a full weekend. You must complete the tasks as a team in order to move on to the next (event). Other events are done against another team. Yes, just like survivor challenges.

The following story combines events that I've had to participate in (seriously) and stuff I found while researching.

This is a team fic, with lots of humor, and a healthy dose of whumping. There's implied romance (of course, who would I be if I didn't include a little sexual tension) but nothing too racy! And yes, I'll be posting fast and furious (as usual). :)

This story is dedicated to _sb4ever_ and _Whirlwind421_ for their suggestion I do some more humor, and to _Cindy_, _pdljmpr6_ and _Lanse_ for their comments (and for listening) to my nutty plot-bunnies!

And now, I give you -- _Richard Woolsey's Team Building Fiasco_

Enjoy!

- Nika


	2. Chapter 1

**Day 1 - Morning**

"What the hell's she doing here?" Rodney frowned, stomping up beside Jennifer and pointing to Laura Cadman.

"Shucks, Rodney." Laura smiled. "I missed you, too."

Rodney waved his hand in dismissal. "Yeah, yeah, hugs and kisses."

"I asked Mr. Woolsey if Laura could be assigned to our group to help even the odds." Jen looked from Rodney to Laura then back again. "Otherwise there's only two women to four men."

"But she's not even assigned to the city." Rodney whined. Then he brightened, snapping his fingers and pointing at Laura. "Hey if you're going then that means I don't-"

"You're going, Rodney." Jen frowned. "This is mandatory for all senior staff."

"But " Rodney whined.

"Man-da-tor-y." Jen repeated.

Rodney frowned and re-crossed his arms with a huff. "Fine. But I still don't see why you're here." He glared at Laura.

"I suggested to Mr. Woolsey that we should balance out the genders, and Laura's name came up. The Daedalus isn't leaving for another three days so she was free to come along."

"I'm here to balance out the testosterone." Laura grinned.

"What's that about testosterone?" John called, stepping up onto the gate room floor.

"I was just explaining to Rodney that he's not on the girls team." Laura smiled.

"Why would I want to be on the girl's team?" Rodney made a face.

"There's a girls' team?" Evan asked, joining the quickly growing group. "Nice!"

He was immediately flanked by Ronon and Teyla.

"Ah, good." Mr. Woolsey called from the second floor. "You're all here."

Descending the stairs, he joined the group on the gate room floor.

"Mr. Woolsey." John acknowledged.

"Uh, Colonel?" Woolsey glanced quickly around, eyeing the P90's, TAC vests, and various other weapons sported by everyone except Dr. Keller. "This is _supposed_ to be a relaxing, motivational, team-building exercise. The dress code was specified as casual. The planet _has_ been confirmed as uninhabited." He paused. "Weapons were not on the required supply list."

John looked around the group then angled his head, urging Richard to accompany him a few steps away. The Colonel's comments were hushed, but no one missed Woolsey's direct glance from Dr. Keller, to McKay, then back to Dr. Keller.

"Point taken." Woolsey nodded. "Carry on."

"Oh come on!" Rodney rolled his eyes. "I can take care of myself, you know!"

"_Sure_ you can." Laura smiled, shifting her rucksack onto her shoulders as Woolsey called up the order to dial the gate.

"I resent being classified in the same group as Calamity Keller." Rodney muttered.

"You resent everything." Ronon growled.

"Calamity Keller?" Jen looked at Rodney, wide eyed.

"Don't worry, J." Laura dropped her arm around Jen's shoulder and gave her a quick hug. "I'm sure they'll come up with someone else to talk about soon enough."

"They talk about me?" Jen looked at Laura as they turned toward the stabilizing wormhole. "What are they saying?"

Jen bent to pick up her knapsack, missing Laura's quick glance back at Ronon.

"Oh… nothing worth repeating." Laura snickered.

"Now. Please remember." Woolsey announced. "This is a co-worker function. There is to be no recognized chain of command. You are all equal."

"Ah-ha!" Rodney shook his head with a smile, puffing out his chest, and glaring at Sheppard. "That means you can't order me around."

"The entire purpose of this exercise to work on your motivation…" Woolsey continued, looking directly at Ronon, who growled. "And your team-building skills." A glance at Rodney.

"What's that supposed to mean!" Rodney exclaimed.

Woolsey ignored the scientist, and continued, looking from face to face. "You need to finish each task before moving onto the next. Directions, and supplies, have been strategically placed through out this specifically designed course. The Colonel has a map to the first location, and the first task. I've also asked Lieutenant Cadman to photograph each completed task as a record."

"Say cheese." Evan laughed.

Laura grinned, holding her fingers up to snap a mock-photo of Evan holding up his thumbs.

The wormhole stabilized and Richard stepped back. "Questions?"

Silence.

"Very well, then." Woolsey nodded. "Have some fun. Relax. And try to enjoy yourselves. We'll see you in forty-eight hours."

"Come on, gang." John nodded, stepping up to the event horizon. "Let's get this over with."


	3. Chapter 2

**Weights and Measures**

When they reached their first location, twenty minutes after passing through the gate, comments of _finally_, and _it's about time_, echoed through the group. In front of them stretched a large clearing out, tapering off down a narrow hillside to a wide river that twisted and flowed, moving lazily through the early morning sunshine. A large pebbled beach stretched along the shoreline, wandering next to the softly rushing water.

"Well that's… interesting." Evan raised an eyebrow and frowned.

A massive scaffold sat in the open, looking very much like a giant children's play-set. Built with wooden posts and rope, it towered up at least twenty feet, and supported a wooden crate which dangled a few feet above their heads. Hanging both to the right and the left the crate were two giant swings. Ropes and pulleys crisscrossed the structure, attached to the crate and the tops of the swings.

"What the heck is that supposed to be?" Laura tilted her head and squinted. "It looks like a giant…"

"Scale." John finished, holding up the yellow piece of paper he'd found nailed to one of the supports.

"I was going to say swing-set." Laura nodded.

"The Scale." John read. "Divide your team into two groups of equal total body weight. Start by sitting the heaviest members on the swing-seat on each side and work your way up to the lightest. Once you've reached a combined weight of over four-hundred pounds per side, the pulleys will release the supplies required for the next task. Complete all three tasks to reach your camp by nightfall."

Finished reading, John looked around at the group.

"You've got to be kidding me." Rodney rolled his eyes, staring at the box dangling in the air.

"Why, again, do we need to get to this box?" Teyla eyed the contraption warily. "Is not the purpose of this venture to survive for two days as a group? We have everything we need right here on the planet to stay… for quite an extended period of time." She looked at their surroundings before turning back to John.

"I'm not eating grubs." Jen announced.

"Grubs?!" Rodney exhaled sharply, clutching his stomach, his complexion paling slightly.

"We're not eating grubs." John shook his head. "They've put all the supplies we need in various locations around the area, including food. The purpose of these _events_ is to finish the task… as a team."

"It's supposed to build morale?" Jen questioned, then shrugged, staring at the wooden scaffolding. "I'm not sure how announcing your weight to your co-workers is morale building."

"Oh like that's a problem for you, skinny minny." Laura rolled her eyes. "You weigh about as much as a sack of potatoes. Some of us, however, have to actually watch what we eat."

"Hey!" Jen turned to Laura. "I watch what I eat!"

"Actually I was talking about McKay." Laura laughed, angling her head towards Rodney, who had a mouthful of power bar.

"Oh." Rodney mumbled around the food, rolling his eyes. "Ha. Ha."

"So what's in the box?" Evan looked up.

"Supplies… I guess." John looked down at the instructions then back up at the crate. "Could be food. Water. Who knows."

"Who the hell had time to build this?" Rodney stuffed the empty wrapper into his pocket.

"Civil engineers." Laura answered. "Woolsey had them shipped in special."

Rodney made a face. "Typical. The rest of us are trying to save the galaxy from life-sucking space vampires, and he's building swing-sets."

"Scales." Teyla corrected.

"Tomato, tomatoe." Rodney huffed.

Teyla tilted her head and glanced at John, who shrugged and shook his head.

"So we need this box?" She eyed the contraption suspiciously.

"Apparently." John nodded.

A sudden blast of energy severed the rope sending the crate plummeting to the ground with a clattering smash and a cloud of dust. Rope slid off the scaffolding and pooled to a soft thump in the dirt. Everyone jumped and spun around to face Ronon, who was re-holstering his gun.

"What?" He eyed them suspiciously. "You said we needed the crate."

Laura burst out laughing, and her mirth was quickly echoed by the others.

"See? Who says we don't work well together." John grinned, crumpling up the instructions and tossing the wadded yellow paper ball over his right shoulder.

* * *

"What do I look like, Huck Finn?" Rodney pouted, his hands on his hips as he eyed the collection of logs and ropes they'd released from the crate. "I am not sailing off down the merry Mississippi on a _raft_ built by a couple of _pilots_!"

Evan straightened up from the section of rope he was untangling and frowned. "And what's wrong with pilots?"

"Flying!" Rodney zoomed his hand through the air in front of his face. "Sailing!" He wiggled his hand up and down and glared at Evan.

"McKay failed his boat-building badge in Boy Scouts." John grinned, knotting the rope around the end of the two logs Ronon held together.

"_You_ were a Boy Scout?" Evan looked at Rodney, incredulous.

"Oh hell no." Rodney mock shuddered, and turned to settle himself down against the pile of weapons and TAC vests that had been set aside for ease of working. "Too much work. All those badges. Fire building. Rowing. Insect collecting." Then he nodded and smiled happily. "But I did attend a lecture on using science as a survival guide when I was six…"

"Using science as…" Evan shook his head and trailed off.

"Don't!" John interrupted. "Get him started."

"What the hell is a Boy Scout?" Ronon asked, dropping the logs after Sheppard finished lashing them together.

"Evil little children who run around in the woods in a swarm of punching and kicking to get medals for not killing themselves in the process." Rodney muttered.

"Sounds fun." Ronon raised an eyebrow.

"Just the boys, though." John nodded. "Earth _girls_ get to be Girl Guides."

"Guides? They teach them tracking skills?" Ronon looked incredulous.

"Hell no." Rodney shook his head. "That might actually be useful. But they _do_ have the most wonderful cookies."

"Cookies." Ronon looked from one to the other, completely lost.

"Vanilla." Evan sighed happily with the memory. "Gotta be the vanilla."

"Uh, uh." John shook his head, smiling wistfully. "Chocolate all the way. Used to put a bull-frog in Christina Mayfield's wagon just so I could steal all the chocolate ones out of her sample box."

Ronon blinked. "You people are weird." He muttered, shaking his head.

Evan laughed then looked pointedly at Sheppard. "Was she cute?"

"Of course she was cute." Rodney frowned. "Kirk's women are always cute."

"Used to pull her pigtails in class." John wiggled his eyebrows, then he shrugged. "Then she'd kicked me in the shins and I'd get sent to the principals office."

"Ah, young love." Evan laughed, glancing around at the mess of logs and rope on the far side of the clearing, and the lack of female presence to assemble it. "Speaking of... Where'd _they_ go?" He angled his chin towards the un-started raft. "Isn't this supposed to be a direct competition? Guys vs. gals? First one across the river wins whatever's on the other side?"

"They walked over that way." Rodney pointed to a copse of trees set back from the shoreline. "Something about needing to get ready. Teyla probably has them meditating or something."

John raised an eyebrow. "Meditating?"

"Yeah, you know." Rodney slapped his palms together. "Meditating." Then he wiggled his fingers next to his ears. "Getting into the mindset of raft building."

"Like you are?" Ronon frowned at the scientist's relaxed position.

"Someone has to read the instructions." Rodney waggled the piece of yellow paper he was holding.

"Don't hurt yourself." Ronon muttered, holding two more logs next to Sheppard.

John grinned, lashing the ends together. "They probably couldn't take the thought of losing so quickly off the start."

Evan laughed, returning to his task of untangling the other end of the rope.

"Oh… holy… mother of…" Rodney exhaled quickly, standing to attention and staring wide-eyed at something over John's shoulder.

John spun around, his eyes locked on a flash of color, all thoughts of the raft gone in a whisper. Ronon dropped the logs he was holding, nearly crushing the Colonel's foot, suddenly unable to recall just why he was holding them in the first place. Evan rocked back on his heels and let the tangle of knots fall to the rocky ground by his feet.

"Sweet Lord." Evan exhaled.

"Oh that's… just… cruel…" Rodney squeaked.

John made a strangled choking noise in answer to Ronon's deep rumbling growl.

"What the hell are those?"

John swallowed hard, his mind barely registering the Satedan's question.

"Bikinis." He finally answered with a hoarse croak. "They're wearing bikinis."


	4. Chapter 3

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this, Cadman." Jen muttered, her entire body flushing from embarrassment as she tried her best to look casual while strolling across a very uneven, rocky shoreline.

"Oh hush." Laura laughed. "It's working."

"It is?" Jen turned.

"Don't look!" Laura wacked her across the arm. "You'll spoil it."

Jen straightened up and concentrated on walking without falling, her sneaker's rolling over on the round pebbles of the shoreline.

"I still do not understand." Teyla shook her head, adjusting the straps on the bright red bikini Laura packed for her. "What does wearing this… swimming outfit have to do with building a raft? Is it not the point to build the raft so you do not have to swim?"

"No," Laura glanced over at Teyla. "The point is to win. By any means necessary."

"I see." Teyla nodded. "So this…" she looked down at the red bathing suit. "Is…"

"A distraction." Laura laughed. "They're going to be too flustered to do anything more than stand there drooling like bunch of idiots.

"I feel like an idiot." Jen muttered, stopping in front of their pile of logs and rope. She dropped her hands to her hips and turned towards Laura. "You so owe me for this."

"Owe you?" Laura grinned. "Honey, you're gonna owe _me_ judging by the look on that man's face."

"What man's face?" Jen frowned, looking over her shoulder.

Laura smacked her arm again. "Don't look!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're supposed to be nonchalant, remember?" Laura stooped to grab the instructions to their raft project, taking her time while she bent over to dig around for the paper before standing up slowly. "We're just out here, three co-workers, building a raft…" She reached up and pulled the elastic out of her pony tail, releasing her hair into the breeze. "Not a care in the world…"

"You're completely insane, you know that?" Jen muttered, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at Laura.

"Yeah well you look sexy as hell." Laura pursed her lips and nodded. "Yellow is definitely your color. Really pulls out the sparkle in your eyes."

"Are you hitting on me?" Jen made a face.

"You think Ronon would mind?" Laura wiggled her eyebrows.

"Laura!" Teyla laughed.

"What?" Laura smiled. "I'm just saying…"

"I'm well aware of what you're saying!" Jen flushed. "Please tell me this isn't one of your little schemes to play matchmaker. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own relationships."

"Aha! See! She admit's there's a relationship!" Laura pointed her index finger at Jen, then looked knowingly at Teyla.

"What?" Jen croaked, her face flushing a deep red. "What relationship? Who said anything about a relationship? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, she's got it bad." Laura grinned at Teyla, who laughed. "Admit it. You're all aflutter over the guy and you're secretly loving the fact that I made you wear a skimpy _look-at-me-baby _bikini. Poor Ronon doesn't stand a chance with you dressed like that."

"I hate you." Jen muttered, adjusting the shoulder straps of the bikini with a delicate snap. "I really hate you."

Laura laughed again, and looked from Jen to Teyla. "Come on, girls. We've got a raft to build and a prize to win."

* * *

"Oh… hell." Evan exhaled, staring at three very shapely bikini clad bottoms - one red, one blue, one yellow - bending and dipping as the women moved their logs closer to the river, their raft half assembled.

"Oh hell." John repeated as the women entered the water, squeals against the cool temperature echoing amidst their laughter. When the water fight started, Rodney made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a strangled squawk and sat down onto the ground with an ungraceful plop.

"How cold's that water?" Ronon finally managed to ask, his voice a barely recognizable growl.

"Probably pretty damn cold." John muttered.

"Good." Ronon bent to pick up two of the logs they'd managed to bind together before the bathing suit display began, and walked towards the river.

He didn't stop until he was in well over his waist, but his eyes never left the three women.

"Cold water, good." Rodney croaked, scrambling up to grab another log and quickly following Ronon.

"Probably not cold enough." John muttered, grabbing the next log and following Evan, who hurried after carrying the rope.

"This is going to be a very… very... long… weekend." Evan sighed.

* * *

"Come on, J!" Laura urged… "They're catching up!"

The women had finished their raft first, well in front of the men. They'd packed their clothes and supplies into two large plastic containers, and stacked them in the middle before paddling their way downstream towards their destination. The finish line was marked with a large yellow flag, snapping happily in the breeze.

"Yeah, like me rowing faster is going to make a difference against the fantastic four back there…" Jen muttered, digging in harder with the paddle, and chancing a glance over her shoulder.

The men didn't finish their raft until the women were well into the river. But with four strong arms paddling, they were quickly making up the difference.

"We are almost there!" Teyla exhaled, digging sharply into the water with her paddle. "It is only a little farther!"

With a hundred feet to their prize, they could clearly hear the taunting coming from the raft behind them.

Jen stabbed her paddle into the water, and squealed when it was suddenly ripped out of her hands.

"My paddle!" She shrieked, staring into the water where it disappeared.

"How could you drop your paddle?!" Laura shouted.

"I didn't drop it!" Jen pointed to the water. "Something took it!"

"What do you mean, something took it!" Laura spun around, nearly tumbling off the raft when something hard slammed into the bottom of their makeshift boat. Only her quick reflexes saved her from toppling off and into the river.

"What…" Teyla quickly looked from Jen, who was behind her, to Laura beside her. "Was that?"

Another loud knock rocked the underside of the raft.

Jen quickly scrambled away from the edge. "Rock?" She squeaked hopefully.

A pounding slam rocked the raft from beneath, snapping one of the logs in the middle of their boat.

"Oh crap." Jen stared at Laura, then spun around to look at the raft coming quickly up behind them. Too far to be of any help.

Teyla pointed to the beach front. "Paddle!" She yelled.

Laura spun to drop her paddle back in the water but never made it.

With a sickening crunch, their entire raft was upended, sending them spiraling into the air with screams of shock and dismay.


	5. Chapter 4

"What the hell?" John exclaimed, watching with shock as the raft in front of them shot several feet into the air and flipped over.

"Oh shit." Rodney exclaimed from the front of their raft. "What the hell is that!"

Rodney jabbed his index finger furiously at a large dark shape sliding just beneath the surface of the water between their two rafts, double fins disappearing beneath Jennifer below before reappearing on the far side of Teyla. It circled away from the upturned raft, before turning back.

"Get out of the water!" John shouted.

The creature launched itself up out of the water with a spectacular jump, completely clearing the surface before crashing back down with an explosive spray. Its slick black tubular body was close to six feet long, and when it hit the crest of it's arc, the snub nose lifted revealing a gory row of very long, very white teeth.

With a mad gnashing and a guttural growl, it clamped onto one of the logs, shaking it back and forth like a dog with a chew toy. Effortlessly snapping it in half, it quickly dragged a piece of the wooden post back down beneath the surface in a geyser of white foam.

"Faster, damn it!" Ronon shouted, watching the women frantically swimming towards the beach.

The creature flew up again, landing close enough to Teyla to send her struggling beneath the waves. She surfaced, her arms madly pumping to pull her away from the danger.

Rolling back under, the creature swam between Teyla and Jennifer, sending Jen screaming back in a coughing sputter.

"This way!" Ronon yelled, and Jen spun in the water, feet and arms working madly to get her to their raft, which was almost beside her.

"Balance us out!" John shouted at the others, who leaned closer to the middle while he scrambled for their plastic containers. Flipping the lid off he grabbed one of the P90's and snapped to his shoulder.

Laura screamed and rolled to the side, the water beneath her churning furiously.

"Move it, Cadman!" Evan shouted, and Laura turned towards them. She'd been on the far side of the raft when it flipped, putting her closer to their raft than the shoreline.

Jen reached the raft first, and was quickly hauled up out of the water by Ronon and Rodney.

Teyla reached the shallow water of the shoreline, and half ran, half stumbled up onto dry land.

Laura, still in the water, stretched her arms up to grab the edge of the raft. She cursed with a vengeance when John's P90 cut a staccato burst of gunfire over her head, the barrel aimed into the water directly behind her. Rodney and Ronon pulled her up onto the raft, her feet kicking madly to be free of whatever was behind her.

Sheppard lowered the P90, the last of the shots echoing off in the distance. With a rock of waves they bobbled up and down as their raft hovered slightly below the surface of the calming water.

The carcass of the creature burbled up, red stained water dripping off it as it floated slowly away, rocking with the slow moving current.

John sat back on his heels and blinked at the shocked and dismayed looks of the others.

"Well." He blinked. "That was fun."

Laura shoved her wet hair away from her face and glanced up at John. "So, did we win?"

* * *

"I am not flying across a giant chasm on a piece of fishing line!" Jen threaded her arms defiantly across her chest and tried her best to look daunting. "There has to be another way."

"Oh come on, J." Laura grinned. "It's perfectly safe."

"Like the raft was perfectly safe?" Jen reminded her.

Laura's smile wavered. "Yeah okay, well, I'll give you points for that one." Then her face brightened. "But this is just a zip line. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Oh you just _had_ to say it, didn't you!" Rodney walked away from the edge of the chasm he was staring wide eyed over.

"Say what?" Laura gave him a sweet smile. "Why Rodney. Are you afraid of a little ol' zip line?"

"No." Rodney rolled his eyes. "I'm afraid of your sharp witty repertoire."

"Repertoire? That's a pretty big word for a guy who's about to be dangling off a very thin line over a dangerously big drop." Laura dropped her hands to her hips.

Jen made a short gurgling sound.

"Oh." Laura turned towards Jen. "Sorry J. I didn't mean you."

"All right ladies." Evan walked over. "Who's first."

"I'm not going." Jen announced.

"Sure you are." Evan smiled. "Lunch is on the other side."

"Lunch?" Rodney perked up, and clapped his hands. "Well why didn't you say so?" Rubbing his palms together eagerly he moved over to stand next to Ronon and Teyla, on the small platform.

From the edge they could see the narrow, rocky gorge dropping fifty feet below. The zip line ran across the chasm, from a platform on their current side, to a second they could see on the other side. John had readily volunteered to be the first one to harness himself up and now waved to them from the far side.

"Come on!" Sheppard yelled, cupping his hands to his mouth.

Teyla and Ronon pulled the harness back across using a guide wire. They quickly secured it around McKay, who shouted something about a _batarang_ to John before Laura shoved him over the edge.

"I want it across the belly." Laura nodded at Evan a few moments later. Evan was adjusting the harness down to a smaller size from its setting for Rodney's wider girth.

"What?" Evan made a face.

"I wanna go like Superman!" Laura stuck her fist up in the air.

"You are not going across on your stomach." Evan shook his head.

"Oh come on." Laura pleaded. "McKay gets to be Batman." She pouted.

"McKay wishes he was Batman." Ronon grunted.

"But I've always wanted to…" Laura pleeded.

"No." Evan said briskly.

"Please?" Laura lowered her chin and batted her eyelashes.

"No." Evan frowned sharply. "You'll do it the right way."

Laura sighed, clamping her hands onto his shoulders while he squatted in front of her. "Party pooper."

"Yeah, yeah. That's right." Evan muttered, holding the leg straps apart so she could step in. "Just remember that next time some giant fish tries to eat you."

Laura wiggled her hips as Evan lifted the straps, the look on his face one of sheer torture.

"You just _had_ to go and lose your clothes, didn't you." He grumbled when she wiggled her eyebrows and smiled.

"What?" Laura looked down at the green bikini. "You don't like?"

"I… what?" Evan stammered, looking down her front then snapping his eyes back up again. "No. Yes. I… just… Oh would you go already?"

"At least we had our shoes on." She held up her foot and wiggled her boot.

"I can't believe you swam with those on." Evan frowned down at the combat boots.

"You'd be surprised at what I can do with these on."

Evan swallowed.

Laura laughed and finished adjusting the harness. Wiggling her fingers at Jen she turned towards the edge of the platform, giving Evan an award wining smile before stepping off into space. Echoes of 3 Doors Down's _Kryptonite_ bounced off the cavern walls as she sang at the top of her lungs.

"If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman…"

"The woman's going to give me a coronary." Evan muttered.

"Don't worry." Jen patted him lightly on the back. "I'll save you."

Evan laughed, and turned around, looking down at Jen's yellow bikini before raising his eyes to hers. "You're no help either."

Jen crossed her arms over her chest with an embarrassed frown. "Yeah. That's me. Distracting. Only because it's neon yellow. I look like a canary."

"I'm _so_ not going to answer that." Evan glanced quickly over her shoulder at Ronon before turning away to watch John and Rodney help Laura out of the harness.

Ronon quickly pulled the guide line, yanking the harness back.

Evan grabbed for it and turned towards Jen. "Your turn."

"Oh hell no." Jen stepped quickly back, her eyes wide, her hands out in front of her. "No, no, no."

Teyla stepped up to Evan. "I will go."

Once Teyla reached the far side, Jen was running out of excuses.

"Oh crap." She muttered, looking wide eyed at the thin little metal line that was supposed to keep her from plummeting sixty feet to the rocky gorge below. Ronon's hands on her bare shoulders spun her around to face him while Evan adjusted the straps of the harness around her.

"Maybe I'll just wait here, you know? You guys can just come get me with a jumper in two days. I'll be fine. No need to worry. Just leave me a couple of McKay's power bars. I don't need much. Not really…"

"It's perfectly safe." Ronon said. "Or I wouldn't let you go."

"Safe?" She squawked. "The river was supposed to be safe, too. A giant slug stole our clothes _and_ tried to eat us. That's not safe. Safe is a nice, happy, row boat on the mill pond. This? This is not safe. This is insanity. Insane. You're all insane. I'm surrounded by crazy people."

They gently maneuvered her out onto the lip of the platform, and had to fight to peel her fingers out of the front of Ronon's shirt. The minute they'd get one hand free she'd be right back in there with the other.

Ronon eventually had to hold both her hands while Evan walked her backwards towards the edge.

"Can't be that difficult to camp out in the middle of nowhere. It's not really necessary, for me to cross, right? I mean there has to be another way-"

With a gentle shove they released her.

She screamed the entire distance.


	6. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note**: Yes I made a boo boo and accidently changed the color of Laura's bikini... :P Good eyes on those who caught it. :) And my apologies for anyone who's had to go on a team-building weekend like this before... well, not like this... cause you know, in Pegasus, nothing ever goes right. So now, without further adieu, let the whumping begin! - Nika_

* * *

Lunch was a surprise to everyone. Not only did the area on the other side of the gorge contain a collection of picnic blankets, plates and cutlery, it also contained a sealed storage container packed to the brim with picnic fare. Chilled with a solar generator, the meal was filling, and the beverages cool and refreshing.

Fried chicken, sliced ham, potato salad, pasta salad, bread and cheese, fruit, vegetables, water and juice… everything was quickly divided up and devoured, leaving nothing left save for a giant, glazed pound cake.

Set up in a circle around the empty food containers, contented groans echoed as the group sprawled out in various positions on the blankets.

"Damn." Rodney exclaimed, contentedly rubbing his abdomen as he stared up into the tree branches. "Why can't we have food like this in the city?"

"Woolsey has some pull, apparently." John nodded, stretching his legs out and laying back, propping himself up on one elbow. "I haven't had fried chicken since… well hell, I can't even remember."

"I am afraid…" Teyla sighed and lay back onto the blanket, rolling her head to look at John. "I ate far too much than was necessary."

"That's the whole point of a picnic." John grinned.

"Eat, then nap." Evan added from the other side of the circle, flopping onto his back and tucking his arms under his head.

"Way ahead of ya'." Laura mumbled, sprawled face down on the blanket between Evan and Jennifer. "Time for a siesta."

"Siesta?" Teyla asked.

"Afternoon nap." Jen muttered sleepily, mirroring Laura's face down position.

"Nap." Teyla grinned. "I would like one of those."

"Well there's nothing stopping you." John smiled.

"That is true." She laughed.

"Anyone want any cake?" Rodney asked suddenly, prompting a chorus of shocked mumbles.

Ronon, lying flat on his back between Jennifer and Teyla, rolled his head towards Jen. "Good thing we didn't need those scales this morning."

Jen giggled.

"Oh funny ha-ha." Rodney made a face, the lid of the cake container crinkling as he popped it off. "Just for that, I'm eating your share."

"It's all yours." Ronon belched. "I'm full."

"Really?" Rodney's voice was incredulous as he glanced over at the sprawled Satedan.

"Damn." Evan laughed. "Never thought I'd hear that."

"Hear what?" Ronon lifted his head and stared at Evan from over Jen and Laura's backsides.

"Nothing." Evan snapped his eyes closed.

"Glazed pound cake." Rodney questioned, tearing the package open. "What the hell is a pound cake anyway. Is it actually a _pound_ of cake? Does it physically weigh a pound?" He balanced it in his palm. "Feels pretty compact."

"Would you just eat it already?" Laura muttered. "And be quiet about it."

"Hey…" Rodney mumbled breaking off a large chunk and stuffing it into his mouth. "This is actually pretty good. And sweet, too."

After a few moments of happy munching, Rodney coughed.

Jen opened one eye, and looked directly at Rodney, who was staring down at the cake in his hand, an oddly confused look on his face.

Jen's head snaped up instantly.

"Drop it!" She bellowed, but Rodney was already letting go of the desert. His eyes met hers, wide with terror as his fingers grabbed for the base of his throat.

At Jen's frantic scream, everyone shocked themselves upright in a tangle of arms, legs, and half crouched combat ready positions.

Half jumping, half crawling, Jen launched herself over Laura, tripping and landing half on Evan who rolled with her as Jen scrambled to reach Rodney.

"What the hell!" John exclaimed, watching as Jen threw herself at Rodney, her arms wrapping tightly around him as she fought to hold him upright.

"Citrus glaze!" She yelled, struggling to hold on when Rodney pitched forward. Ronon and Evan dove for McKay, grabbing him as he sagged to his knees.

"Damn it!" Jen yelled, Rodney's heartbeat pounding a staccato beat against her fingertips, which she held against the side of his neck. "I need his vest! Where's his vest?"

John was already leaping over the picnic supplies. He dove towards the discarded TAC vests, tearing into the pockets.

"Please tell me you packed them, Rodney." Jen begged, as Rodney struggled to breathe, his skin increasingly pale, sweat beading quickly over his face. "It's going to be all right, Rodney. You're going to be fine." She looked up at John who was digging through the vests. "Hurry!"

"Here!" John shouted, throwing a pair of small silver tubes across the clearing to Ronon, who caught them one after the other, and immediately handed them to Jen.

Jen broke the seal on one of the silver cases and dropped the auto-injector onto her palm. Popping off the cap she turned and jammed it into Rodney's thigh. After a few moments she removed it and rubbed the spot on his leg she'd just stabbed.

"Is he going to be okay?" Laura knelt on Rodney's other side, her hand tightly gripping his.

"Shh!" Jen ordered, shoving Rodney's shirt up and laying her ear against his chest. Rodney's wheezing gasps slowed and calmed, his heart beat settling down into a more controlled rhythm.

"Yeah." Jen sat up slowly, a relieved smile on her face. She pulled his shirt back down then rubbed his forehead affectionately. "He's fine. You're fine, Rodney. You're fine. Just relax and breathe. Relax and breathe."

"Shit." Evan exhaled, staring down at Rodney's pale face.

"Someone get rid of that damn cake!" Jen ordered.

* * *

"What the hell is that thing?" Rodney muttered, slowly sinking back against the trunk of a large tree.

They'd waited several hours after what Laura was calling the Pound Cake Party before moving on to the next location. Jen pronounced Rodney fit… with conditions. No exercise other than walking, no excitement, and absolutely no team-building for twenty four hours.

Rodney might have been happier… if he wasn't so tired.

"A maze." John answered, giving Rodney a slightly concerned look. "According to the instructions, the map is in three pieces inside somewhere."

"How _Survivor_." Rodney mumbled sleepily, his eyes closed.

"He gonna be okay?" John looked at Jennifer as Rodney began snoring.

"He just needs some sleep." She smiled, then wrinkled her nose and pulled John away. "And about two weeks of reminding Woolsey that he nearly died on this little excursion."

John grinned. "And reminding everyone else."

"And reminding everyone else." She echoed with a smile.

They joined the others, who were grouped in the middle of a clearing, a huge wooden wall stretching out in front of them.

"You know if you people put this much work into battle, you'd control the universe by now." Ronon shook his head at the massive structure.

"That was a compliment, right?" Evan glanced over at Ronon.

"So…" John angled his head, looking towards the only opening in the long wall. "Who's good at puzzles?"

Everyone glanced over their shoulders at Rodney, who was now lying on his side in the shade of the tree, fast asleep.

"Okay…" He drew the word out. "Let me rephrase that. Besides McKay… who _else_ is good at puzzles."

One at a time everyone looked at Jen.

"Right." Jen mumbled, pursing her lips and nodding slowly. "But I'm so… not going in there alone."

"I'll go." Ronon nodded.

"Not." Laura snorted, winking at Teyla. "We need her to concentrate on the puz-zle. Puzzle."

Ronon raised an eyebrow.

"Saddle up, Mr. Crossword." Laura nudged Evan forward.

"Mr. Crossword?" John's brow furrowed as he looked questioningly at Evan.

"What?" Even answered. "I've done a few crosswords…"

"If you have time to do puzzles," John shook his head sadly. "I'm obviously not giving you nearly enough of my paperwork to do."

"John." Teyla admonished.

"Come on, Jen." Evan stepped forward. "Let's show them how it's done."

* * *

Twenty minutes later Jen turned towards Evan.

"So… any idea?"

"Nope." He frowned, looking around at the maze of plywood.

"We're lost?"

"Yup."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

"Crap." Jen muttered.

"Crap."

Evan turned around, heading down another blindingly similar corridor, with Jen at his heels. He stopped at a t-intersection, moving to the right, then taking the next left.

"Do we call for help?"

Evan snorted. "So we can get _everyone_ trapped in this damn thing?"

"Good point." Jen mumbled, following him around another corner.

"We shoot our way out?"

"No gun."

"Bread crumb trail?"

"No bread."

"Um..." She made a face as they turned another corner. "Okay I'm out of ideas."

"Hey!" Evan held his arms wide and grinned over his shoulder.

They'd opened up in a small closed off corridor, with a bright yellow flag in the middle. Taped to the flag was a yellow card. Evan snatched it and held it up.

"See?" He smiled. "And you doubted."

"Yea." Jen laughed. "Only two more to go. At this rate we'll have them sometime by Tuesday."

Evan yanked the flag out of the ground with an audible pop and handed it to Jen. "Flag?"

She grinned and accepted it, and with a roaring rush of sound, the ground collapsed beneath them and they plummeted into the earth.


	7. Chapter 6

Evan landed hard on the bottom of the pit.

Then Jen landed hard on Evan.

He grunted, her elbow jamming into his lower abdomen.

"Sorry." She said quickly, lifting her head to look around.

Bright sunshine shone from high-above, sparkled with dust that drifted back down in a thick cloud. The pit was deep and narrow, the sides pockmarked with large, softball sized holes. The bottom was covered in loose dirt and chunks of rock and earth.

"Well that was unexpected." Evan blinked up at Jen. "You okay?"

Jen nodded. "You?"

"Far as I know."

Jen looked at the walls of the pit through the tangle of her hair.

Evan cleared his throat. "Uh, Jennifer?"

"Hmm?"

"Not that I really mind or anything, you know… but… you um… wanna let me up?"

"What? Oh. OH!" She flushed, realizing she was sprawled across him in a rather intimate position – and still wearing nothing more than her bikini. She scrambled up with an embarrassed apology, her eyes averted.

Evan sat up, then grimaced and grabbed his left side.

"What's wrong?" Jen's head spun back around, eyeing the way he clutched his side.

"It's nothing." He groaned, moving stiffly to his feet.

"Unless we fell into an alternate reality," Jen frowned and hiked up the side of his t-shirt, "I'm still the Doctor."

"Alternate reality might be fun if that's your uniform." Evan grinned, then inhaled sharply when she pressed against his side.

"Sorry." She apologized, exploring his injured side further.

"Sure you are." He muttered.

Jen snorted. After a few moments she straightened. "Nothing seems broken." She pronounced. "Most likely just bruised a few ribs."

"Goodie for me." Evan sighed, looking up the sheer walls to the sides of the maze above. Brushing the dirt off, he stepped into the middle and looked around.

"It's only about ten feet." He figured aloud, looking at the edge of the pit above their heads. "Not too far by hole-in-the-ground standards."

He stepped over to the side and stuck his foot into one of the large holes. Reaching above his head he grabbed for a higher one and pulled, but the hole beneath his feet crumbled and he dropped back down. After several more failed attempts he frowned and rubbed his side.

"Well there goes Plan A." He shrugged and looked at Jen.

"And plan B?" She asked.

"You climb up on my shoulders, hop out, and go for help."

Jen pursed her lips and wiggled her finger at the boards still visible above their heads. "Same reality. Still in a maze. I could be wandering around in here for days."

Evan made a face. "Better than sitting here… in the direct sun… with no food or water until someone stumbles across us."

Jen squinted up at the late afternoon sun, directly above. "You just had to bring that up, didn't you."

"Well, you're the fair haired one."

"Is that a fancy way of calling me blonde?"

"I… no…" Evan stammered, then pursed his lips when she grinned. "I just meant that you probably burn easily."

"Right." Jen raised an eyebrow, then rolled her eyes. "Fine. Plan B." Then she paused. "Do you hear that?"

Evan stilled.

They could both hear a faint chirruping sound.

Evan shrugged. "Sounds like a cricket."

"It's getting louder." Jen frowned, looking around as the sound began to increase.

"Probably nothing." Evan moved towards the side of the pit. "Let's get you up."

Jen stepped up beside him, eyes scanning the top of the pit as the sound continued to increase. "Evan?"

Evan glanced around, his motions suddenly more hurried. "Come on." He squatted down, threading his fingers together to form a step with his palms.

"Foot in. I'll lift you up." He had to raise his voice to be heard over the loud screeching. "Hurry!"

Jen placed her hands on his shoulders and was lifting her foot as a sea of dark legged insects flowed out of the holes in the side of the pit. With a screeching, chirruping cry, millions of spiders scampered out the holes and dropped into the bottom of the pit.

Jen screamed. And kept right on screaming as the surging tide of arachnid's covered her feet.

Evan cursed and grabbed her around the waist lifting her up. She struggled, kicking out when something grabbed her from above. With a gasping cry she was suddenly air-born, dangling over a sea of spiders before being unceremoniously thrust into the outstretched arms of Laura.

But rescue didn't really register, nor did the fact that Ronon and John were hauling Evan up out of the spider-pit. What did register was that her legs and shoes were completely covered in spiders.

Dancing around frantically and chanting obscenities she didn't know she knew, she clawed at her legs, swiping the bugs off her skin. Laura stomped and squished them, yanking a hopping Jen out of the way of the others as Evan cleared the top of the pit, and the three men quickly retreated from the giant hole in the ground. While Evan was quickly brushed off, Jen continued to jump around frantically, shaking her hair and hoping on bare feet in an effort to remove any creepy-crawlies from her shoes.

When the crazy squeals of the spiders increased proportionally, Jen jumped in fright as Ronon began firing at the ground, the blasts destroying large clusters of the furry insects that crested the side of the pit. The spiders fell back into the hole before regrouping and surging back up in a swiftly moving tide.

"Run!" Sheppard yelled, leading the way back into the maze.

They didn't need to be told twice, and with a collective burst of speed, everyone followed him down the corridor and into the maze.

After a dizzying series of lefts and rights, they exited the structure into the open, and didn't stop running until they'd made it all the way across the clearing.

"Did you find some kind of secret maze map?" Evan asked, shaking a couple of spiders off his pants then squishing them under his boots. "Because that was one hell of an accurate exit."

With a knowing smile, John tapped the com in his ear then walked over to a large tree on the side of the clearing. Holding his hands up, he reached for Teyla, grasping her around the waist to lift her down from the lower branches.

"Ah." Evan grinned. "An eye in the sky." Then he eyed the addition of the TAC vest and P90 covering Teyla's red bikini. "I like the look. Very Guns and Ammo."

John backhanded him across the chest.

"Ow." Evan winced grabbing his side.

"Sorry." John shrugged. "Thought I saw a spider."

"Ribs." Jen cautioned, still spinning around and searching for spiders on her legs and feet.

"Ribs?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Bruised." Evan shrugged one shoulder.

"I fell on him." Jen muttered.

Teyla raised an eyebrow then looked at Jen. "Are you both okay? We were concerned when you didn't return. From the branches I saw the ground collapse beneath you."

"We're good." Evan flicked a spider off his shoulder. "Just your average sink hole filled with bugs. Should really put that in the brochure somewhere. People would pay big bucks for it."

"God I hate spiders." Jen twitched, her trembling hands absently swiping through her hair. "I'm going to have nightmares for a week."

"You and me both." Laura muttered, checking her own legs for any clinging bugs. "That was the creepiest thing I've ever seen, and in this galaxy, that's saying a lot."

"You see people's insides." John raised an eyebrow and looked at Jen. "_That's_ creepy."

"That's not creepy." Jen muttered. "That's normal. Falling in a pit where kazillions of spiders swarm out of holes…" She shuddered violently. "Now that's…"

"Very Steven King." Laura suggested.

Jen nodded. "Oh yeah."

"Steven King?" Ronon asked.

"A man with a seriously twisted view of reality. After reading _IT_, I refused to ever walk over a sewer grate or manhole cover again." Laura shuddered. "Gave me nightmares."

"After you read it?" Teyla asked. "What did you read?"

"It." Laura muttered, stomping on a pair of spiders.

Teyla glanced at Ronon. "What is it?"

"Not it." Jen jumped and crused a spider with the heel of her shoe. "It, it."

"It, it?" Teyla repeated.

"Yes. It's a book." Jen bent and absently scratched her ankle.

"_It_… is a book?" Teyla angled her head. "What book?"

"It." Laura answered.

"It?" Teyla repeated.

"Yes." Laura nodded.

Teyla shook her head at Ronon, who shrugged.

"Who's on first." Evan snickered.

"What?" Ronon asked.

John rubbed his face, then held up his hand in defeat, frowning at the group. "So you're sure you're both okay?" He looked from Evan to Jen and back again.

Evan nodded and shrugged. "Nothing a Jacuzzi and a beer couldn't cure."

They were interrupted with the sound of a boisterous yawn. With a slow, languid stretch, Rodney sat up and looked around the clearing.

"So. I miss anything?"

.

.

.

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in posting - I was away for a couple of days! :) But I'm back!! Thanks to insertwickedpennamehere for the plot bunny about the spider. :) More shortly!_


	8. Chapter 7

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Now."

"No!"

"Girls, don't make me stop this car." John called up from the back of the group, grinning as Jen and Laura tormented Rodney. "And stop bothering your brother. You know how fragile he is."

"Aw, Daaad!" Jen and Laura echoed.

With McKay's tablet and the single piece of the map Evan and Jen had been able to collect, Rodney pinpointed the location of their supposed camp for the night. The only issue was, the thirty minute walk was turning into a one hour hike through dense forest.

"Somehow, I think we missed the trail." Rodney muttered, following behind Ronon, who was slicing a path through the thick underbrush.

"Ya' think?" Ronon muttered, glaring at Rodney over his shoulder.

"Hey, don't look at me, George of the Jungle!" Rodney exclaimed. "I told you _where_ it was, I never said I knew how to get there."

A few moments later Laura sighed. "I'm hot. Think they'll have a pool at this hotel?"

Jen sighed, ducking under the large branch Ronon held back. "I'd like a pool." Then she laughed. "I'd like a hotel."

"Pools are full of disgusting germs." Rodney shuddered. "Do you know how many kids pee in those things on a regular basis? They should put warnings up. Or change the rule from _must shower_ to _must pee_ before entering pool."

Jen glanced at Laura, who was grinning.

"Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?" The chant started.

"Oh come on!" Rodney exclaimed.

Laura and Jen burst out laughing and hurried after Ronon.

John caught up and patted Rodney knowingly on the shoulder. "It is _The Simpsons_ after all."

Rodney sighed. "I know. But…"

"Hey, you're the one who agreed to their bet that you couldn't go fifteen minutes with a Simpson's reference."

"But Cadman's a junky!" Rodney whined. "She's memorized every damn episode."

"And you haven't?" Evan nodded knowingly as he passed them.

"Yes, well, that's besides the point." Rodney sighed. "How am I supposed to concentrate with all that chattering! I'm not supposed to get excited, remember? I could have a relapse."

Teyla smiled and hooked her arm through Rodney's, pulling him gently forward. "It is okay, Rodney." She smiled, glancing over her shoulder at John. "I will make sure they do not bother you any further."

Rodney smiled and puffed out his chest.

"Hey!" Ronon shouted from up ahead. "We're here."

* * *

Set in a clearing on the edge of a small lake, their camp consisted of a large collection of waterproof containers, and a well constructed lean-to. After exploring the boundaries of their temporary lodging, John and Ronon confirmed it reasonably safe, and the unpacking began.

The solar powered coolers were quickly raided, producing water and power-bars. Other containers were stuffed with bedding and blankets, as well as crate full of cooking implements.

"Is that a real Coleman stove…" Evan laughed, pointing to the metallic green box John was lifting out of one of the boxes. "Man, I haven't seen one of those in years."

John pointed to the label on the side. "It's authentic."

Evan dug into the crate, holding up a small blue bottle. "And we even have propane."

"And Deet." Rodney exclaimed, snapping off the cap and happily spraying every inch of his body with bug spray.

"The water looks gorgeous." Laura shook her head longingly as she crossed the clearing towards the rocky shore and the calm, clear water.

Jen nodded in agreement. "Why don't you try it out?"

"You first." Laura made a face.

"No way." Jen shook her head. "I had enough swimming this morning."

Laura grinned, then turned back towards the campsite. "What's for dinner?" She called out.

Evan held up two large containers. "Freeze dried macaroni salad, or… freeze dried beef stroganoff."

"Hmm." Laura laughed. "Decisions, decisions."

"I'm not eating freeze dried anything." Ronon frowned, dropping his satchel onto the ground.

"I agree." Teyla stepped up beside him. "Not with the potential of Kirkan Stew." She looked pointedly at Ronon. "Shouldn't take more than an hour?"

Digging into the bag Ronon handed Teyla a long, thin knife. Standing, he angled his head towards the right. "The small stand of trees a few minutes back?"

She grinned. "Yes."

"Be back before the street light's come on." John called as the two disappeared into the brush. "And don't talk to strangers."

"Where are they going?" Rodney asked, offering the can of bug-spray to the others. Jen snatched it and started applying a thick coat to her arms and legs.

"Foraging for grubs and berries." Evan answered, taking a sip from his water bottle.

"Grubs?" Rodney looked shocked.

"They're going to get something more substantial than freeze-dried whatever-that-was." John explained, sitting down on the raised platform of the lean too. Flopping onto his back, he tucked his arms under his head and closed his eyes. "Call me when room service gets here."

* * *

Thanks to Ronon and Teyla, their evening meal consisted of a decidedly rabbit tasting stew, with local root vegetables, and a thick heady spice. Even Rodney admitted it tasted fantastic, and pleasantly un-lemony. Coupled with the freeze-dried salads, everyone was contently full.

After the mess was cleared and the dishes cleaned and repacked, Evan produced a deck of cards. With pebbles for ante, they played until Teyla won everything, and the setting sun was threatening to drop completely in behind the rim of the lake.

John brought up the idea of a campfire, and with a chorus of agreement, a fire pit was quickly dug and ringed with lake stones, and wood collected.

John and Evan started the fire, adding wood as it grew. Over the quickly increasing blaze they watched Ronon approaching Jen, pulling one of his shirts down over her head. It dropped down over her like a dress, covering her nearly to her knees. She laughed and threw her arms around him, then stepped away, hugging herself warmly.

John looked up at Teyla who was standing beside him. The Athosian hadn't missed the affectionate interplay. She looked down at John with a knowing smile.

John stood up, frowning. "You cold?" He angled his head at her less than covered body, then immediately snapped his eyes up. He quickly ran his hand through his hair.

"It is…" She tilted her head. "Getting cooler."

"Why didn't you say something?" He muttered, moving towards the spot he'd discarded his TAC vest and rucksack.

"Hey Cadman." Evan called. Laura came over from her perch by the lean-too.

When the two women walked away, draped in navy t-shirts, Evan stood next to John, and shook his head.

"Tell me it doesn't look like their wearing-"

"Nothing underneath?" John finished, his voice a little lower than usual.

"I can't decide which is worse." Evan shook his head.

John grunted.

Evan swallowed, unable to bring himself to look away just yet. "It's going to be a long-"

"Thirty four hours and seventeen minutes?" John offered.

"Something like that." Evan nodded quickly.

"Plenty of time." Ronon said, walking past them to grab a blanket out of one of the bins.

"Time for what?" John eyed him suspiciously.

But Ronon just grinned and returned to the far side of the fire where he wrapped the blanket around Jennifer's shoulders.

"Damn. He's good." John nodded.

Evan frowned. "He's making us look bad."

"Speak for yourself, buddy." John patted him on the shoulder before moving back to the fire. "I'm not the one who fell in a hole."


	9. Chapter 8

As the fire burned lower, the red hot coals cast a light glow on the rocks of the fire pit. Wrapped tightly in blankets, and laying on the narrow mats provided by Woolsey's engineers, everyone snuggled in for the night.

"Here." John whispered, urging Teyla closer. He snapped his blanket out, covering them both. "Makes more sense this way."

"Yes." She whispered back. "In the colder weather my people always share accommodations."

"You do?"

She nodded into the darkness. "It keeps the body warmer."

"You, ah… share with anyone in particular?"

She snuggled closer. "It depends."

"It depends?"

"On how cold it is."

"Oh."

"Would you two be quiet." Rodney muttered from John's other side. "Some of us are trying to sleep."

"Sorry Rodney." Teyla whispered.

"Hmm." Rodney harrumphed.

* * *

"What the heck is that clacking?" Evan whispered, raising his head to look around the darkened campsite.

"Keller's teeth." Laura muttered from beneath the blanket beside him. "She's cold."

"It's not _that_ cold out." Evan muttered.

"Haven't you noticed she sleeps under a down comforter even in the middle of summer?" Laura answered sleepily.

"Uh… no." Evan looked quickly at Ronon, who was glaring at him from the other side of Jen. "I have no idea what she sleeps under."

"Jen." Evan hissed over his shoulder.

"I didn't say she was awake." Laura muttered. "I said she was cold. The woman can fall asleep on a dime."

Evan watched as a sharp clacking came in time with a very prominent shudder beneath Jen's blanket.

Ronon immediately shuffled closer, then rolled onto his side, wedging his back up against the lump that was Jen's shivering, blanket wrapped body. Evan also rolled, placing his back Jen's other side. Wedged between them Jen let out a contented sigh and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Hey! No fair." Laura muttered, sliding over until she was pressed up against Evan.

"Thought you weren't cold." Evan whispered into her hair.

"You're not the one with nothing on." Laura flipped over, burying her face in his chest, yanking her blanket up over her shoulders.

"You're wearing a shirt." He quietly reminded her.

"What, you want it back or something?"

"No."

"Then shut up and let me get some sleep."

"Shut up and let us _all_ get some sleep." Rodney exclaimed.

"Sorry Rodney." Evan smiled into the darkness, feeling Laura's shaking as she struggled to hold in the laughter.

* * *

"She's lost." Evan lifted his head.

"She's not lost." Laura mumbled.

"She's lost." Evan repeated.

"She's not lost." Laura insisted.

"It's been ten minutes." Evan grunted as Laura elbowed his sore ribs in an effort to get comfortable.

"Maybe she has a _really_ big bladder."

"She's lost." Ronon sat up, and rolled off the edge of the lean-to.

"Told you." Evan grinned knowingly.

"Yeah, yeah." Laura muttered. "Tell me in the morning."

"If we ever see the morning." Rodney muttered.

* * *

"You get lost?" John asked.

"No." Jen muttered.

"Yes." Ronon answered.

"It's not my fault." Jen quickly wrapped the blanket around her body. "It's dark out there. All the trees look the same."

"Next time maybe try a flashlight." John suggested. "They work wonderfully at night."

"John." Teyla admonished.

"It was just a suggestion." John muttered.

"Yeah well…" Jen muttered, flopping down onto the sleep-mat. "I didn't want to wake anyone."

"As opposed to how we're all awake now?" Rodney sighed.

"Sorry." Jen flopped back down with a shiver, snuggling against Ronon who threw his blanket over them both. "I couldn't hold it any longer. The sound of the lake was driving me crazy."

"Oh hell, now _I_ have to pee." Laura muttered.

"Take a flashlight." John suggested.

"_I_ won't get lost." Laura flung off the blanket.

"So says you." Evan snorted, then muttered in pain. "Hey, watch the ribs."

"Sorry." Laura said.

"No you're not."

"You're right." Laura answered.

"Kids…" John said with a warning tone.

"I'm going, I'm going." Laura stood up.

"Wait." Teyla sat up and pushed off her blanket. "I'll come with you."

"Oh look." Rodney snorted. "Even in Pegasus they go to the bathroom together."

* * *

"Good night, John-boy." Laura snickered quietly.

"Don't even start." John muttered.

"Start what?" Laura said innocently.

"John boy?" Teyla asked.

"Way to go, Cadman." John sighed.

"Oh for the love of…" Rodney groaned from the far side of the lean-too.

"Sorry Rodney." Laura snickered.

"I hate you all." Rodney mumbled.


	10. Chapter 9

"You have got to be kidding me." Jen muttered, staring up at the wooden structure. "What _is_ that? And what's with all the sticks on top?"

The small group stood in a field of wildflowers, staring up at a massive wooden tripod. Topped with flat platform that was covered in a mass of twigs and branches, the structure was at least two stories tall. One of the three legs was actually a ladder stretching right up to a point just below the platform, and secured to the bottom of the circular platform, was a large yellow square.

"I take it that's our next map?" Evan pointed to the card high above their heads.

"Probably." Laura squinted.

"I am _so_ not climbing that." Rodney crossed his arms in defiance.

"Well someone has too." John frowned.

"Why?" Ronon asked.

"Because…" John started, then closed his mouth when everyone turned to look at him. "Okay, I have no idea."

"Because Woolsey told you too?" Rodney suggested.

"No." John made a face.

Rodney tilted his head.

"Okay, yes." John admitted. "Okay look. We're supposed to be team-building."

"I thought we were already a team." Ronon frowned.

"We are." John answered.

"They what are we building?" Ronon asked, shaking his head.

John sighed. "It's just an exercise."

"I get enough exercise." Ronon grunted.

"Climbing a ladder is not exercise." Teyla tilted her head.

"Okay maybe _exercise_ was a bad choice of word." John muttered, running his hand through his hair.

"He means task." Rodney interrupted. "The idea is to complete each of these tasks and by doing such we're rewarded with a little treat. A banana for performing on command."

"Can't we just pretend we completed the tasks?" Jen asked.

"I'm with her." Rodney nodded. "Hey." He snapped his fingers. "You're a Doctor. You can write me a note."

"Dear Principal Woolsey," Evan began. "Rodney will not be attending school today."

"Okay, someone just go get the map?" John rolled his eyes.

"You aren't allowed to order us around, remember?" Rodney smirked.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Evan suggested.

"Oh for goodness sake." Laura muttered, walking quickly to the base of the ladder and starting on the way up. "_I'll_ get the damn map."

"There, you see?" Rodney smiled. "A volunteer."

Everyone moved closer as Laura neared the underside of the platform. Then, several feet from the top, she stopped.

"Hey!" She called down. "There's no more rungs."

"Well that's brilliant." John frowned, moving into the shade of the platform to get a better look. From the new angle he could see the top five feet of the ladder – bare except for the supporting sides.

"There's holes." Laura called down. "Just no rungs. Maybe I can-"

"No." John interrupted. "This isn't the Cirque du Soleil, Cadman. Just… stay there for a minute."

"I believe we need these." Teyla dropped a bag of bright red wooden spikes at their feet. "It was over there." She pointed to a yellow flag stuck in the grass a few yards away.

John grabbed the bag and drew the strap over his shoulder.

"You'd better not be looking up my skirt." Laura called over her shoulder.

"It's not a skirt." John answered, climbing quickly up behind her.

Reaching the rungs below her feet, he maneuvered himself into a more stable position, and reached into the mesh bag. Extracting one of the rungs, he held it up.

Laura bent down and grabbed it. Straightening, she fiddled with it, jamming one end into the next hole. After a few moments, she handed it back to John.

"It's too long." She said, exasperated.

John took it. "What do you mean it's too long?"

"I mean," Laura angled her head and looked at him from under her arm. "It's too long."

"How can it be too long?"

"Never had anyone tell you it's too long, Sir?" Laura snickered.

John sighed. "I'm going to regret having this conversation with you, aren't I?"

"Yup." Laura laughed.

"And here I thought length didn't matter." John mumbled.

"What ever keeps you happy." Laura snickered. "Although rumor has it you have plenty of-."

"Cadman..." John warned.

Laura snickered.

John shook his head, balancing himself on the ladder, while comparing the other rungs. They had five missing spots, and eight rungs.

"Try this one."

One by one he handed her the rungs, largest to smallest, and she snapped them into place.

"Okay." John shook his head, dropping the left over pieces onto the ground below. "That do it?"

Laura climbed the final distance and snatched the large yellow card. "Voila."

"Uh, Sheppard?" Rodney called up, his tone elevated. "You um… might want to hurry. I think I know what those sticks up top are."

"What…" John frowned, looking down at Rodney, who was pointing to a spot above their heads.

In tandem, John and Laura looked up.

"Crap." John exhaled.

They were half way to the ground when the birds attacked.

.

.

.

_A/N Well you asked for more! :)  
_


	11. Chapter 10

The first flash of black feathers screeched so close to Laura's ear she let out a squeal when she jumped, her feet slipping down a rung. Fingers digging in she steadied herself with a rush of breath.

Several rungs below John looked up, his head snapping around at Ronon's shouted warning from below.

Massive claws clamped onto John's left shoulder, digging in with an excruciating, knifing burn. With an ear piercing cry the bird's wings beat furiously against the side of John's head while the talons tightened in his shoulder, skin tearing.

Laura dropped lower and sat on the rung just above John's head. Swatting away at a second feathered fury, she grabbing the bird off John's shoulders and flung it to the side. The bird's cry echoed as it swirled around the tower, screeching and cawing with a piercing scream. It suddenly exploded in a cloud of feathers as Ronon's blast hit it dead on.

The second creature swooped at Laura, its wings beating her arms as she swung at it. Claws scratched the bare skin of her right leg and she cried out in frustration, kicking out at the bird and nearly losing her balance. A shot from below echoed and the bird spiraled down and slammed into the ground.

Laura looked down at Evan, who was standing below her, his revolver pointed at the top of the platform.

"Down, down, down!" He shouted.

From the top of the platform, the cluster of sticks and branches erupted with a flurry of feathers as a dozen birds took to the skies, their screeching cries echoing across the field.

Gunfire erupted from below as the flock of birds circled and dove, wings beating and claws digging as the creatures attacked their targets.

John reached the ground first, his back under attack from two of the massive creatures. Too close to John to shoot them, Ronon settled for grabbing each bird by the neck and slamming it into the side of the ladder. He dropped the carcasses and grabbed for Sheppard, hauling him away from the bottom of the tower.

Laura was still several feet from the ground when one of the feathered creatures slammed into her side, spinning her around. She lost her grip and dropped hard onto the earth, rolling and turtling against the flurry of wings and claws.

Two quick shots and the screeching fell silent, the birds dead on the ground beside her.

"What the hell was that!" Rodney's shocked cry echoed across the once again quiet meadow. "I mean… come on! Is there _no one_ who understands the need for research before sending people to unknown planets?"

Evan quickly dropped beside Laura. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She muttered, clutching her scraped and bleeding leg. "I'll live."

"Come on." Evan grabbed her good arm and looped it around his neck. She hobbled with him to the far side of the meadow where he helped her sit down next to John.

With the others standing sentry, eyes warily watching the skies, Jen worked on John's wounds. Pooling the few emergency supplies from the TAC vests, she did her best to patch his shoulder, using butterfly stitches to close two of the deeper wounds. The rest were cleaned with what little water they had left, and covered in gauze.

Turning to Laura, Jen repeated the procedure, cleaning her arms and leg, and closing a small gash just below her knee with the last of the butterfly stitches.

"Well that was fun." Laura shook her head in amazement. "Who wants to go next?"

"We need to get you two back." Jen rocked back on her heels and stood. "We have no idea what kind of diseases those things carry. I need you both on antibiotics and I need to have those lacerations properly cleaned and closed."

"Thank you! That's the smartest thing anyone's said all day." Rodney stepped up, angling his tablet towards Jen. "Our next location. Food, water and possibly medical supplies." Then he pointed to another spot on the screen. "The gate. We'd have to cross the river again, though."

Ronon pointed to the screen from over Rodney's shoulder. "River's narrowest here. Might be able to find away across."

Teyla stepped forward and eyed the tablet. "If we cut back this way it appears the land is much flatter."

Evan moved to stand next to Jen. "So we head straight back?"

"No." Jen shook her head. "I want the supplies from the next campsite first. Water and blankets specifically. I can make some temporary bandages to keep the dirt out. Help hold off any infection. I cleaned John's back and shoulder as best I could but without proper medical treatment, I can't guarantee there won't be an infection. They're fine to walk but I don't want John carrying his gear. I don't want anything rubbing against his shoulder."

"I can carry my own things." John exclaimed, moving to stand up.

"Sit." Jen put her hand on his good shoulder and pushed him back down. "Stay."

"Woof." Laura grinned.

"You, too." Jen pointed at Laura.

"Damn pushy Doctors." John muttered.

Jen dropped her hands to her hips and glared at John.

He blinked up at her. "You know, Doc. It's kind of hard to take you seriously dressed like that."

Laura swatted him.

Jen flushed and looked down the front of her body, still draped in one of Ronon's sleeveless shirts.

"Do you take _me_ seriously?" Teyla looked down at John's navy t-shirt, which she still wore, then looked pointedly at Sheppard.

"Uh… yes?" John answered quickly. "You look pretty serious."

Ronon snorted.

"Good." Teyla nodded, the turned back to Jen. "I will make sure he does not carry anything."

"Okay so we hit the lunch supplies first." Lorne looked at the standing group, nods bobbing around the half circle.

"I wonder if there'll be any more of that potato salad…" Rodney wondered aloud, earning him a collection of groans. "What? What'd I say?"

* * *

"You okay?" Evan asked Laura, who was limping more noticeably.

"Yeah." She frowned, stopping to check out her injured leg. "I just hate stupid injuries. Looks bad on my file."

"Would you prefer I change _bird_ to something more menacing?"

"Would you?" Laura asked hopefully. "How about _bear_? You could tell everyone that I saved you all from a giant swarm of bears."

"Now you sound like McKay." Evan shook his head.

"I heard that." Rodney called out. "And bears don't swarm. That's bees, genius. And I'd think you'd have enough to worry about with explaining why you're dressed in a bikini and wearing Lorne's t-shirt when we come through the gate."

Laura bent to pick up a small rock and chucked at Rodney's back, thwacking him between the shoulder blades.

"Oh that's mature, Cadman. Really mature." Rodney muttered, rubbing his back. "That's going to bruise."

"Don't worry, Rodney." Jen sighed. "I'll get you something for the pain when we get back."

"Speaking of…" Evan mused. "I wonder what Woolsey's going to say when we show up a day early?"

"I'll take care of Mr. Woolsey." Jen announced firmly.

"Guess Rodney gets his Doctor's note after all." John grinned.

"Actually, the note would be all yours, Mr. Brenner." Rodney looked at John.

"Brenner?" John frowned.

"Brenner." Rodney nodded. "Hitchcock? The Birds?" He shook his head sadly. "And you call yourself a pop-culture aficionado. No wonder you suck at Trivial Pursuit."

"I do not suck at Trivial Pursuit." John rebuked. "Just because you got _one_ lucky roll…"

"_I_… won off my first turn." Rodney grinned at the others, his face falling when no one seemed to understand, or care.

"That phone booth scene always creeps me out." Jen shuddered. "Being trapped like that with all those crazy birds smashing into the glass…"

"Scene?" Teyla glanced at Jen. "Ah. A movie."

Jen laughed. "Of course. It's all they ever talk about. That… and comic books."

"And what's wrong with comic books?" John asked.

"Nothing." Jen grinned at Teyla. "If you're twelve."

"See, now that's where you're wrong." Rodney hurried to catch up to Jen and Teyla. "Comic Books are actually a modem of mythological and historical references from various societies, milestoning important historical occurrences. They dealt with current events and issues, and were actually, not only directed at children. Many of the more popular ones were directed at adults. They're really a very important piece of Earth culture."

"I see." Teyla nodded, smiling good-naturedly at Rodney.

"Perhaps when Torren is older… you know… I could… lend him some?" Rodney suggested eagerly. "Help teach him about Earth culture?"

"That would be…" Teyla hesitated, glancing at Jen.

"Just nod and agree." Jen whispered.

"Lovely. Thank you Rodney." Teyla smiled.

"Perfect." Rodney grinned. "I know just the ones…"

Leaving Rodney listing off several comic titles and the merits of each one to a less than enthused Teyla, Jen sped up, quickly catching up to Ronon.

"Are we there yet?" Ronon muttered.

"No." Jen shook her head.

"How 'bout now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Soon?"

"God, I hope so."


	12. Chapter 11

"Rodney, don't eat all the bread." Laura muttered, snatching a chunk of hard crusted bun away from Rodney's grabbing fingers and popping it into her mouth.

"But I'm still hungry." Rodney muttered.

Sprawled out on the ground around the open plateau, the food was quickly consumed, everyone eying the darkening sky.

"I think I'm beginning to hate this planet." John muttered, frowning up at the clouds, the threat of rain telegraphed in the rolling thunder that echoed around them.

They were open and unsheltered, with not so much as a scrub brush for shelter. Binoculars confirmed the path down to the gate was all shale rock leading down to the river, which meandered through a wide open field. The gate could be seen in the distance, close enough to walk to if it was a straight line, but far enough they figured it would be at least an hour or more to trek there down the hill and over the river.

"Oh we're so going to get wet." Rodney sighed. "I hate getting wet."

"It's just water." Jen frowned. "What's the big deal? You shower in it daily."

"I happen to prefer baths." Rodney stated. "Fantastic way to relax and open the mind."

"I thought the weather was supposed to be warm and sunny." Jen muttered, wiping a drop of rain off the side of her nose.

"And after everything else that's gone so wonderfully, you really can't be surprised, can you?" Rodney asked pointedly.

Jen shrugged. "No. Not really." Then she turned to Laura. "Stop picking at it."

Laura dropped her hands from the makeshift bandage Jen made out of a strip of picnic blanket. "But it's itchy."

"Leave it alone." Jen repeated.

"Fine." Laura muttered. "Crazy devil woman."

"Don't blame me." Jen made a face. "Blame the birds."

"Crazy devil birds." Laura mumbled.

* * *

"Stupid rain." Rodney sighed, wiping his dripping forehead with his equally dripping sleeve. "Stupid planet. Stupid team building. Stupid Woolsey."

"That's a lot of stupid." Laura muttered, slipping on a rock, her hands immediately clutching Evan's outstretched arm.

"Seriously…" Rodney staggered, slipping forward, his arms pin-wheeling to keep himself balanced. "What are these rocks made of? Floor wax?"

Laura laughed, then had to quickly grab for Evan when both her feet shot out and she nearly fell.

"Careful, gimpy." Evan raised an eyebrow, and stepped closer, hooking his arm through hers.

"You tell anyone about this…" Laura warned, transferring some of her weight to his arm.

"Mum's the word." Evan grinned.

"Mum's the word?" Laura laughed. "You watch too many movies."

"Not enough, if that's the best line he can come up with." Rodney shook his head sadly.

"You have lines?" Laura smirked.

"Do I look like I need a line?" Evan raised an eyebrow.

"You look like you need a towel." She smirked.

"What I need." Evan helped her over a sharp drop in the rocky path. "Is a beer."

"Figures." Laura sighed loudly. "I spend hours in the bathroom getting all gussied up and all he cares about is missing the coin toss. How typical."

"For you, sweetheart," Evan winked. "I might be willing to miss the coin toss. But I'm afraid I'd have to draw the line at missing kickoff."

Laura snorted. "Trust me, _sweetheart_." She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "For _me_, you'd miss the whole game."

"Oh my god…" Rodney muttered, throwing his hands up in disgust. "I'm trapped in a chick flick."

* * *

"Oh good." John eyed the rapidly rushing whitewater that was roaring over the shallow rocks in front of him. "More water."

The increased rain had turned their slowly meandering creek into a wild rushing river. No longer a shallow crossing, it was knee deep and moving fast.

"It could be worse." Teyla stopped beside him, eyeing the riverbed for a safer spot to cross. "It could be raining."

John turned his head to look at her, wincing against the pull in his injured shoulder. Eyebrows raised, water dripping off his forehead as the rain continued to fall steadily, he grinned openly at her stoic expression.

"Why Teyla. Was that… sarcasm?"

Teyla turned towards him but couldn't hold in the laughter. She shrugged. "I believe I have been spending far too much time with you. I am picking up on your… bad habits?"

John grinned. "Well you could always _stop_ spending so much time with me."

"True. However, I fear _that_ would be rather…" She looked pointedly around their surroundings, then up into the dripping sky. "Boring?"

"So what you're saying is, you find me exciting?"

"Oh for goodness sake, Kirk, would you give it a rest already?" Rodney grunted, stopping beside the pair, staring forlornly at the rushing water. "Please tell me we're not going to try to cross that."

"We're not going to try to cross that." John nodded.

"Really?" Rodney's face filled with hope.

"No." John shook his head. "We're crossing."

Rodney sighed. "Some days I hate you."

"You love us all, admit it." Jen stopped beside him, eyeing the rushing water. "Please tell me we're not going to cross that."

"We're not going to cross that." Rodney answered quickly.

"Really?" Jen asked hopefully.

"No." Rodney shook his head.

"No what?" Jen frowned. "No we're _not_ going to cross it, or no we _are_ going to cross it."

"No… I mean yes… It's… why didn't that work?" Rodney looked at John with a pointed frown.

"Don't look at me." John shook his head and patted Rodney lightly on the shoulder. "You must have done it wrong."

* * *

"They're going to make us cross it aren't they." Jen sighed, eyeing the others standingfurther down the shoreline.

"Oh yeah." Rodney sighed next to her, staring at the white water.

They stood in silence, side by side, watching the churning foam.

Jen shook her head slowly. "Don't go into the basement when the power's out. Don't run up stairs to get away from the psycho killer…"

"Don't walk across a river that looks like something from a white water rafting guide?" Rodney suggested.

"Yeah." Jen nodded. "I'm so going to regret this."

* * *

"Use your arms!" Laura screamed at Jen, watching the Doctor's head disappear beneath the churning water for a second time. "Come on Keller, put a little elbow into it!"

Jen struggled to get up, spitting out a mouthful of water as the rapidly churning current knocked her sideways again, sending her staggering further downstream.

Angling herself towards a large rock, she clambered out of the water and flopped onto her back, exhausted. Perfectly content to lay in the cold, pelting rain, just so long as she didn't have to get back into that damn river. She coughed again.

"I said _don't_ let go." Ronon's voice sounded from a spot to her left.

She lifted her head and looked at him through the wet strands of hair that were plastered to her face. He crossed through the water with a slow, steady pace, the current ripping around his legs which were set wide against the strength of the water.

"Sorry." She muttered. "For some reason I thought you said _let_ go."

"And _why_ would I tell you to let go?" He raised an eyebrow.

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"You know." He helped her sit up. "When I said trust me, I didn't mean that literally." He frowned at himself. "No. I did mean it literally."

Jen smirked. "You're starting to sound like Rodney."

Ronon growled.

Jen wiped the water out of her eyes, hiding her laughter behind her hands.

"Come on." Ronon said, turning his back to her. "Climb on."

"Climb on?" She shook her head. "I can manage. I won't let go this time."

"Climb. On." He growled.

"Ronon, no. I can do it…"

"Are you going to make me throw you over my shoulder?" He turned towards her.

"You wouldn't." She angled her head, her eyes wide.

He reached for her, his face perfectly serious.

"Okay, okay!" She squealed. "God. You're worse than Sheppard."

"He throws you over his shoulder?" Ronon frowned, his gaze narrowed.

"No." Jen rolled her eyes. "I meant with the whole…" She wiggled her fingers in the air. "Giving orders, thing."

"Oh." He straightened and turned around. "Good. Now climb on."

Jen sighed, shaking her head. Crouching on the rock, she looped her arms his neck, and leaned forward. With his hands locked under her knees he straightened, tossing her up until she sat piggy backed against him.

"Smile." Ronon said over his shoulder as he moved slowly through the water. "McKay's about to explode."

"Oh sure!" Rodney's exclamation of disgust echoed over the roar of the water. "Hello! Most important scientific mind in the galaxy! Could have used a little help myself! How come no one offered to carry me? What if I'd drowned! Where would you have been then, huh? I'll tell you where. You'd be left with Zelenka, that's where! HA! See how far that would have gotten you! You'd be dead within a week."

Ronon stepped out of the water with Jen, the final two to cross the river.

"Sorry, Rodney." Laura patted Rodney affectionately on the shoulder, grinning as Ronon refused to let Jen down. "Guess you just don't look as good in a bikini."


	13. Chapter 12

The hill finally crested and rolled down, revealing the gate, now only a few hundred yards away. Moving in a clustered group, a collective sigh of relief and mutters of "_finally_" dripped with relief.

"Damn." Laura muttered, leaning heavily on Evan's arm. "My lace is undone again."

"Hold on." Evan stopped at the crest of the final hill, rebalancing Laura so he could retie her boot. His foot slipped in the mud and he quickly shifted his weight, but his movement slid him to the right.

With a muttered apology and a gasp of dismay, Rodney stumbled, bumping into Evan's shoulder, the added pressure pushing Evan over onto his side.

"Oh crap." Laura squealed, pin-wheeling to regain her balance. Landing hard on Evan, her forward motion slid them across the slick dirt, and the angle of the hill took over.

With a startled curse they tobogganed down the slope.

John, forgetting his injured shoulder, dove for them when Laura began to fall, only to realize his arm wasn't going to cooperate. Wincing, he struggled to straighten up and backed into Teyla and Ronon, who'd jumped forward to help. When John's upended feet tangled with Teyla's already unbalanced legs, he went down hard on his stomach, knocking Teyla flat onto her back.

The slide of deep mud, wet grass, and sopping wet ground sped John and Teyla to the bottom of the hill. Splayed out like a filthy superman, John slapped to a stop in the deep, cold soup of caked water next to Evan and Laura, with Teyla skidding into the slop behind him.

Ronon rebalanced, his legs spread wide, just below the lip of the edge. Steadying himself from sliding any further he looked at his dirty team members and fought back a smirk.

"Holy cow! Are you guys okay?" Jen hurried forward, then squealed, suddenly finding her feet going in two different directions. Arms askew she spun around in a perfect circle before landing hard against the back of Ronon's left knee, knocking him completely off balance, and pitching him down the hill with a grunt of surprise.

Jen's forward momentum carried her after him. With a drawn out squeal, she slid backwards, legs extended, and ended with a hearty splat of flying mud at the bottom of the hill.

Silence met Rodney as he stared down at the pile of disgustingly dirty bodies sitting, lying, and squirming in the mud pile below him.

"Oh, hell." Rodney sighed. Blinking up at the rain that still poured from the skies, he shook his head. With a reserved curse, he sat down in the cold mud and pushing himself off, followed the rest of his team down the hill, clumps of mud flying as he splashed to a stop beside Jen and Teyla.

"Rodney." Teyla sighed. "Nice of you to join us."

"Yeah, well." Rodney shrugged. "It was either that or break something trying to walk down like a normal person."

Laura leaned forward, slapping a massive clump of wet mud against Rodney's chest. "You're too clean, McKay. Get with the program."

"Cadman!" Rodney swiped at the mud. "And that was necessary?"

"Hell ya." Laura grinned, swiping a chunk of mud off her forehead and flicking it off her fingers.

"Well." John rolled over and sat up, holding his shoulder with a momentarily pained look. "That was… interesting."

Jen crawled through the mud, kneeling next to John, pulling up the edge of his t-shirt which was completely plastered to his skin. Letting it drop she shook her head.

"Sorry, Superman, you tore them open again."

"Superman?" John raised an eyebrow.

"That was more Slip-n-Slide than Superman." Rodney ducked a clump of mud Laura tossed at him.

"And he didn't have his arm out." Laura smirked, throwing a second clump at Rodney, catching him in the shoulder.

"Actually he had both arms out." Evan added with a grin, standing up in the knee deep slop.

"Superman?" Teyla asked, standing to assist John to his feet.

"Comic book hero." Jen smirked, accepting Ronon's outstretched hand. "Told you it was all they talked about." She added when Teyla looked knowingly at John.

"It is not all we talk about." Rodney exclaimed, shoving himself to his feet with a huff. He stared down at his lower legs, hidden beneath the wet dirt and pursed his lips with disgust. "We talk about lots of things."

"Like?" Laura prompted, accepting Evan's hand as he pulled her to her feet.

"Like… stuff!" Rodney muttered, digging his tablet out and groaning with dismay, wiping caked mud off the screen with his fingers. "Great. Juuuuust great."

"What?" Laura started to snicker. "Not enough mud?"

"Don't even think about it!" Rodney pointed to the hand she was holding behind her back. "Drop it, Cadman."

"And if I don't?" She waggled the massive clump of mud between her hands.

"Drop it or I swear you'll never see the Mr. Twiggles again!" He threatened.

"You wouldn't dare!" Laura's eyes narrowed.

"Mr. _Twiggles_?" Evan looked from Laura to Rodney then back to Laura.

"Try me." Rodney stared pointedly at Laura.

"I'll explain later." Jen whispered to Evan.

"Do I _want_ to know?" Evan whispered back.

Jen shook her head. "I doubt it."

Laura let go of the giant mud clot and it fell with an audible plop at her feet. "Party pooper." She sighed, frowning as Rodney smirked with his victory.

"If you're done re-living your mind-meld," John interrupted. "I'd really like to get the hell off this planet."

"Oh god yes." Jen exclaimed, slopping through the mud towards him.

They slowly made their way through the deep bog, angling themselves towards the DHD and the silent Stargate.

"So we're done team building?" Ronon asked, prompting Jen to snort in a very unladylike manner.

"I think I can safely pronounce our team-building exercise a complete success." John nodded, glancing at the group.

"And just what do you base that assumption on, Kreskin?" Rodney frowned. "We didn't complete even one thing correctly! HeMan shot the first crate, a giant slug ate the raft, Lorne and Keller wrecked the maze, and you and Cadman tried to re-inact the phone booth scene from The Birds. We're soaking wet and completely filthy and I… have absolutely no idea where I'm going with all this…" He flung his hands into the air with frustration.

"You were arguing that we did not complete the mission." Teyla reminded him, earning her a frowning look from John.

"What?" Her brow furrowed. John rolled his eyes.

"Oh. Yes. Right." Rodney nodded, taking a deep breath then opening his mouth again to continue.

"No one died." John interrupted. "I'd call that a success."

"I almost died!" Rodney pointed his finger into his chest. "Someone tried to kill me with citrus glaze, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Evan muttered. "I almost forgot."

Laura slugged Evan in the shoulder. "Don't encourage him!"

"But you didn't die." Jen patted Rodney lightly on the shoulder before he could retort.

"Yes. Well." Rodney sighed. "I could have."

"But you didn't." John repeated.

"Fine. I didn't."

"Hey! We did the zip line correctly." Laura nodded encouragingly.

"Only because Evan and Ronon had to hog-tie Jen into the harness." John smirked.

Jen narrowed her eyes. "That was a horrible thing to force a person to do and I plan on speaking to Mr. Woolsey about that." She crossed her arms in a huff, then stumbled, losing her balance. Ronon grabbed for her and quickly pulled her upright.

"I thought _that_ part of this exercise was quite… fun." Teyla smiled. "I would like to try that again sometime."

"Should I tell Woolsey to send you out with the next group?" John suggested.

"I would not want you to go _that_ far." Teyla said, a little too quickly, stopping next to the DHD.

John grinned at her, then turned to punch in the address. As the gate solidified Laura started to laugh.

Everyone turned towards her.

"Okay, I'll bite." Rodney asked. "What's so funny?"

Laura pointed to the sky and the shades of blue peeking through the thinning clouds.

"The rain stopped."


	14. Chapter 13 & Epilogue

"It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC." Chuck announced, turning towards Mr. Woolsey, who'd come out of his office at the sound of an unscheduled gate activation.

"Lower the shield." Woolsey commanded firmly, wondering why the Colonel was returning a half a day early.

Descending the steps Richard stumbled and staggered to a halt, having to grab the railing to keep from pitching forward.

The group that was returning in no way resembled the neat, crisp team that left through the gate the previous morning. Gone were the clean uniforms. Gone were the bright faces. Gone were the senior level team members who were the top ranking officials in the city.

Instead he was staring at a group of sopping wet, completely filthy, mud dripping… vagrants… who were laughing quite boisterously. And for some reason, the three women appeared to be lacking their… pants. He opened his mouth to ask, but every educational seminar on workplace harassment vaulted into his head and he snapped his jaw closed.

Descending the steps with a slow, wary gait, he reached the floor as the gate dissolved.

"Colonel Sheppard?" He voiced, eyes trained on faces only. He had to clear his throat to be heard over the laughter. "I… we… I didn't expect you back so soon."

"Sorry, Mr. Woolsey." Jen stepped forward, giggles escaping as she tried to force herself not to laugh at the strained horror on the man's face. "I need to get Colonel Sheppard and Lieutenant Cadman to the infirmary for sutures."

"And me!" Rodney spoke up, flinging mud as he pointed at himself. "I could have a relapse."

"Relapse?" Woolsey looked from Rodney to Jen, then down to the mud and water dripping slowly onto his gate room floor.

"And Dr. McKay." Jen added, forcing Woolsey to take another look at Rodney. "Oh, and Major Lorne, too. I want to check your ribs, Major." She said over her shoulder.

"Yes, Ma'am." Evan answered.

Woolsey looked at Evan, who was supporting Lieutenant Cadman, her arm draped around his shoulder. Richard couldn't be sure but the Lieutenant's lower leg appeared to be wrapped in a piece of red plaid. Very muddy, red plaid. Leg. Bare leg. He snapped his eyes up and turned quickly towards the Colonel.

A clump of mud dropped with an audible splat behind him and Richard spun around, watching as Rodney snapped his hand, flinging mud onto the floor, mumbling with disgust.

"Mr. Woolsey?" Jen's hand landed on Richard's upper arm, breaking into Richard's thoughts.

"Hmm?" He asked, turning back towards her, eyeing her mud covered hand that was clutching his crisply pressed uniform jacket.

"The infirmary?" She released his arm, leaving a large smear of dirt behind.

"Right." He nodded absently, eyes locked on the stain that would probably never come out without the aid of some serious detergent. Detergent which made him itch. God he missed his dry cleaners. They were very precise.

"Mr. Woolsey?" Jen asked again.

"I'll ah… expect to see you in the boardroom at… um…" Richard looked to her for confirmation.

"Tomorrow morning." She whispered encouragingly.

"At oh-nine-hundred tomorrow morning." He said firmly.

She patted him on the arm and nodded, leaving two more smears.

"Great." John added, clamping him on the shoulder firmly, leaving a massively muddy palm print behind.

Richard stared at the dirt, wincing as Ronon's large hand landed on his other shoulder, leaving an overly wet clump of mud perched there like a squashed parrot.

Woolsey stared at the muddy footprints, clumps of dirt and water smeared and sloshed across the floor, half listening as the group moved away. He couldn't remember anything about mud in the outline the engineers submitted… He climbed towards his office, ignoring the cluster of people who were leaning over the balcony from the control room whispering and pointing.

He never got a chance to review the report.

In less than two hours he had no less than seventy five requests from various men across the city who wanted to be included on the next team building exercise, especially if it included half-naked co-ed mud-wrestling.

He also had a proportionate number of requests from the female populace, who wanted to _participate_ in any half-naked co-ed mud-wrestling… as long as it included SGA1, SGA2, or SGA9 as a fallback, because apparently a few of the women thought Major Buchannan was "hot".

Giving up, Richard Woolsey decided to call it a night – at four o'clock in the afternoon.

* * *

"Hey." Ronon nodded at Jennifer, dropping his feet off the chair he was using as a leg rest.

Jen set her breakfast tray onto the table and nodded at John and Teyla, who were already seated, their breakfast half finished. Teyla rocked Torren, tiny coos gurgling from the small baby.

"How's the shoulder this morning?" Jen slipped into the chair next to Ronon.

John shrugged. "Good."

"No sparring, right?" Jen looked pointedly from John to Teyla to Ronon.

Ronon looked with interest at his food. Teyla smiled down at Torren, and John feigned intense concentration in sipping his orange juice.

Jen sighed. "If I have to suture you up because you're ignoring my orders, I'll do it without painkillers."

"That's not a threat." Ronon swiped a chunk of her scrambled eggs.

"Just because you prefer the stoic approach," John muttered. "Doesn't mean we all do."

"Baby." Ronon snorted.

"Where's McKay?" John asked, changing the subject.

"Still in the infirmary." Jen grinned. "He's convinced that he caught pneumonia. But I figure that since Radek is still running his test on that Wraith storage device today, Rodney will be miraculously cured by noon, latest."

Teyla smiled, and gently pulled her hair out of Torren's small fingers. Then she frowned, running her fingers over the lock of hair before sweeping it over her shoulder. "I washed my hair three times and still feel as though it is covered in mud."

"I used all my shampoo." Jen shook her head, frowning as Ronon grabbed another forkful of her eggs. "Had to break out the expensive stuff for Ronon…" She narrowed her eyes and snatched the piece of her toast he was about to bite into. "You can get your own food you know."

"I know." He grinned. "Not as much fun."

Jen turned back towards Teyla, trying to remember where she'd left off… "I forgot what I was going say." She laughed, then her eyes narrowed as she caught the odd look on John and Teyla's faces. "What?"

"You ah… leant Ronon your shampoo?" John raised his eyebrow, and glanced at Teyla. "He doesn't have his own… in his… _own_ bathroom?"

Teyla was watching Ronon and Jen with her head tilted, a slight smirk on her lips.

"I… what?" Jen flushed, suddenly very interested in her scrambled eggs. "No… I… ah… said… I mean…"

"I ran out." Ronon quickly threw his plates back onto his empty tray.

"I… ah… I just forgot… I need to check on… um…" Jen stood quickly, glancing at her watch.

"McKay?" Ronon suggested, his chair scraping back as he stood, grabbing both their trays.

"Right." Jen nodded, her face and ears flushing brightly.

"Oh come on!" John called after their quickly retreating forms. "You can't just drop that and leave!"

The pair quickly disappeared out the doors of the mess hall.

"Well." John smirked and looked at Teyla. "It's about time."

Teyla smiled, rocking Torren. "I agree."

"Now all we have to do is get Evan and Laura to shut up long enough to-"

"John!" Teyla laughed.

"What?"

"Enough plotting."

"But-"

"Eat your breakfast."

"Yes Ma'am."

"John?"

"Hmm?"

"_Never_ call me Ma'am."

Silence.

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_**Author's Note**: And there you have it! :P A little daliance into something that served no purpose other than complete silliness! :) Thanks for all the reviews and comments, and I'm very glad you all enjoyed this so much! I'm batting around another plot bunny and once I get the elements worked out I'll get the next one started! G'nite y'all! - Nika_


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